For why Mother's Day and not MILF Day?

Like most people, I harbour constant guilt about not showing my mama enough love. She gave birth to me, cooked, cleaned and wiped my pooey bottom for years and in return I do very little. In fact, Mr T captures this hard graft perfectly in his classic electro-rap song Treat your mother right. Allow me to indulge you with some of his lyrical highlights ‘M is for the moan, and the miserable groan from the pain that she felt when I was born. O is for the oven with it's burnin' heat where she stood makin' sure I had something to eat’ and so his graphic imagery continues until each letter of the word Mother is covered.

But once a year, I get a chance to correct this balance by spending £1.49 on a card that captures how much I really appreciate everything that she has done for me - thus restoring cosmic order and putting my conscience to rest for another year. But this year however, I thought “For why like this? Why not share the love?”.

I had been waiting a long time to find the right occasion to show my best friend’s beautiful mum how I feel about her, so this year for Mother’s Day I sent her a heart-felt, poetic, card expressing my long-held desire for her. I was incredibly nervous about the outcome of such a cavalier act, but I didn’t have to wait long to face the consequences of my actions; the next morning my best friend turned up at my flat and said “How dare you send my mum obscene cards with a photo of your cock!”. And in instead of thanking me for making his mum feel appreciated, he punched me in the gonads which has left them as swollen and bruised as my pride (I have a photo of them which I would share with you, but now I think twice about showing others photos of my genitals).

But I won’t let that dampen my spirit. I am going to propose a new holiday to the authorities (Hallmark, I believe). It will be called MILF Day: a second Valentine’s Day for all those extra special mothers out there. It would be on October 9th - Sharon Osbourne’s birthday (the ultimate MILF). And I would suggest that retailers across the land sell the quintessential MILF day gift package: babysitting vouchers, tickets to a footy match for her husband and a mate, details of a prearranged alibi with a friend of theirs and keys to a hotel room.

Further reading & listening pleasure:
If you’re still interested in the Mr T song, prepare your eyeballs to be smacked by this man’s poetic brilliance. His words, along with an MP3 of the song be found along right here.